Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
