After last night, I could never be a politician.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
