So drunk its hurt
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
