I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
