life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize