i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
