Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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