All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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