Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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