that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
