just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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