I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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