I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
