the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
