my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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