break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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