First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
