if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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