just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
