You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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