I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
