i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
