In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Randomize
