you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
