Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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