I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
