I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
