i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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