and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
