my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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