she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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