If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
