WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
