I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
