first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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