I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
