3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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