if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
