you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
