You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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