"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
