so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
