You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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