Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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