my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
