I think I won the penis lottery.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
