the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
