Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
