1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We left the knife in your bed.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
