i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Hippo gnu deer
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
