I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
