my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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