Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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