She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
