Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
