I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
