anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
