Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
