how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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