And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
