Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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